The Tale of Sir Munchelot
The Tale of Sir Munchelot
by Matt Donovan
As he woke, Sir Munchelot found himself hungry. He had
always had a liking for food and thus got his name. He opened his eyes and noticed the
cell's darkness. He looked around and vaguely recalled from his hazy memory
what just happened. He had been thrown in a prison cell by evil witches who posed as
bakers. Actually, they did bake, but their prices were unjustified and they always had
an unearthly screech when they baked or sold. One had asked him to choose one of them
as his lover. He refused; his mistress was the best pastry-chef in the land. He had
been sentenced to rot here for the rest of his days. At least they fed him.
Munchelot strained to see as he heard the rattle of keys at
the lock on his door. The maid, who appeared to be of noble decent, brought him dinner.
She had long, blond hair bound by red and blue ribbons. She studied him a moment, then
spoke as she held his dinner.
"You appear to be a noble and strong knight," she said. "I
would be able to free you if you did me a favor. Would you fight for my father at the
tournament?"
"Of course not!" spat Munchelot.
"Then no dinner for you!" She turned with his dinner and
started walking.
"Wait, I'll do it," said Muchelot, regretting this decision.
The food returned, which he ate before going to sleep on the cold rock floor.
The next day he awoke and was freed by the maid. She gave
him directions to her father's castle. Her father was the honorable King Bagel-Danish.
Not too surprisingly, he had the best bagels and danishes in all of England. Munchelot
was greeted with a feast in his honor. He amazed people by the volume of food that he
could eat. Then Bagel Danish explained the rules for the tournement the next day, which
was a standard melee.
On the day of the match, Munchelot gaped at the sheer
magnitude of the opposing troops. I don't want to die, he thought. I just want to sit
at home and eat. So the "brave" young knight stood and watched Bagel-Danish's and the
opponent's troop collide. He enjoyed his view on the hillside, from where he noticed a
passing food vendor. Munchelot headed toward the vendor, when suddenly an enemy knocked
the stand and its content all over. Enraged, Munchelot charged at the jerk and knocked
him off his horse. Then, spying other enemies coming his way, he set himself to attack.
He yelled and screamed, realizing he was about to die.
But then time slowed down for Munchelot and stopped
altogether. He studied these bizarre surroundings as time stood frozen. He took two of
his lances, one in each arm, and time resumed. Half a dozen knights charged at him.
Combining his knowledge of physics and his insight during the mysterious standstill,
Munchelot lead his horse to the center of the enemy line as he launched one lance in
either direction. By some law of nature or symmetry, both lances impaled their target
and sent the bodies toppling into the knights on the sides. Only two knights left, he
thought. Again guided by his vision, he jumped up and off his horse. He landed one foot
on each knight's chest, sending them backward, relieving the horses of their burden.
Munchelot landed on his horse and continued riding.
He continued in this fashion, with time stopping, his one-man
assaults, and the jumping, until no opponent stood. Munchelot gasped and surveyed the
damage he had singly distributed. One thousand warriors. On the ground. As he returned
to Bagel-Danish's castle, he remarked how he could eat a horse. Upon hearing this, his
beast fled, leaving Munchelot to walk home. At the castle, he was warmly greeted and
granted a feast. Munchelot tore into the food like a wild beast. He was offered a
permanent role with Bagel-Danish, but he declined because he had "bigger fish to catch
and eat." From this duel, Sir Munchelot gained a reputation for being both a strong
warrior and having a monstrous appetite.
back to Guest Articles
back to TBS